Where Do I Start?

Was it really June 10th when I last posted to the blog? Yikes- a lot has been happening since then. my trip of a lifetime to Ireland, another heavenly birthday for Shane, the 4th of July, my 40 year class reunion from high school. half of the summer is gone and I have not made it to the Cape. I guess I had better get started. I need to at least wish my boy a belated Happy Heavenly 23rd Birthday here.

I have been thinking about this post since Mike and I returned from our trip to Ireland- back on June 28th but struggled a bit in my mind as to how to put into words something that was so powerful? I did kiss the Blarney Stone while I was there- so maybe I will have the words to be able to express some of the magic that I felt. Some reading this may say that I have never had a problem with talking or finding the words and that the last thing I needed to do was to kiss that damn thing.

I refer to this as the trip of a lifetime for a few reasons. I have dreamed of going to Ireland for many years. Both of Mike's grandparents - on his fathers side- immigrated from Ireland so the connection, the heritage, the ancestry runs deep. Mike's Dad, Jim McCarthy certainly had the gift of gab himself, never at a loss for the spoken or the written word. Jim wrote letters faithfully to his cousins there on the McCarthy side and on the side of his grandmother- the Collins. Mike's parents visited Ireland on a few occasions and Mike also went on a family vacation back in 1998 with his folks his brother Glenn and his sister Julie. One branch of the Collins family tree is to the Hennigan family. Willie and his wife Chrissie along with one of their sons- John - visited America in the early 90s. I remember their visit fondly and vowed that I would one day visit. In 2001 two of their children- Dennis and Anne came and visited America- staying with Mike and I for part of their trip. It was a time to remember for sure. John returned to America with his wife Margaret and two boys Liam and Eddie in the early 2000s.

We had planned to finally take our trip to Ireland to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary but would wait until this year when Shane would've graduated from college. I struggled with - should we go or wait another year. But eventually I got to the point of- have I not learned not to wait!!! I say it to others- take the trip do not wait- tomorrow is not guaranteed. Then came the - when do we go? When comparing calendars with the nurses and family here and in Ireland we landed on June 19 - June 28th. We would be in Ireland for Shane's 23rd Birthday. Is that where I wanted to be- not with my family, not with his friends, away from his brother, with mostly people that had never even met Shane? After thinking about it- A LOT I decided that it would be a wonderful way to honor him, to celebrate him, to share him with new people. So we bought the plane tickets and then never looked back.

Being able to stay with family and have them plan your itinerary from sun up until sundown each day- is a blessing- all I had to do was figure out what to pack for "potentially all four seasons any given day " and get our asses to the airport. Yes just those simple things- and of course plan for 24 hour round the clock nursing care for Colin for 9 days! Lucky for him and for us- we have an amazing team of nurses, friends and family that made it happen. Colin did not make it easy on me- developing a urinary tract infection the week we were leaving as well as an eye infection and an unexplained swollen and very bruised big toe. All things that the very capable people here could manage. But not the stress I needed!

I knew Shane was coming on this trip with us and I will likely need to do an entire blog post about our trip and how and when we knew he was there. Here I will share just a couple.

I always have one of Shane's prayer cards with me, in the car, in my many purses, tote bags, etc. I always want to be sure he is along for all my days and I love to look at his handsome face. We had some time to kill so we made our way to Whalburger's at the airport for something to eat and an overpriced drink! I was talking to Shane and all of the sudden over the loud speaker they announce " Michael Organsky please report to ..... " I forget what airline and gate number it was. Mike and I looked at each other- how many Michael Organsky's can there be? Organsky is a a very good friend of Shane's that he met on the Cape- they had been friends for several years. I quickly texted a couple of the other cape boys to see if they knew if Mo was flying that day- sure enough he indeed was flying (I believe to Seattle)- he was relocating there, starting his next chapter of life after graduating. I wish I had got to see him- but I for sure saw this as our first sign from Shane- and it was one that made us smile and laugh.

Then came our next sign- the entire plane was full, except for one seat. The seat next to Mike...

Shane's seat.

My heart was heavy as that plane took off, I cried for at least the first hour of that six hour flight. Shane should've physically been with us. This was a trip that we should've been doing as 3 not 2.

I began to wonder if I could emotionally handle this trip. Was I going to be a blubbering mess the whole time, could I get my act together, was I truly ready? We were flying overnight and would be faced with a 5 hour jump in the time, so we had hoped to get some sleep- that did NOT happen, not a wink. I could not close my thoughts down enough to rest, my thoughts raced as did my heart- that was until I opened the window shade and saw the rising sun as we neared Ireland- the hint of purple that lay just above the layer of the clouds, filled me with peace and calm. I will often ask Shane for some purple in the sky when I am longing for him, when my heart hurts and I can't breathe- I didn't even ask- he just did it. He knew what it took for me to leave Colin at home, he knew how much I wanted to take this trip and he needed me to know that I had his blessing.

By the time we were retrieved at the airport by John and got our luggage we had been up for nearly 24 hours. The sun was shining, the adrenaline was pumping and there was a lot of talking! We made our our way to Mallow which is a parish within County Cork- we were greeted by John's wife Margaret and their two sons Liam and Eddie. A full Irish breakfast was served along with Barry's Tea- cuz Barry's is the best! A fun fact about John and Margaret- we share an anniversary- they were also married on April 24, 1999 in the morning , so they do have us beat by a few hours. Married on the same day, both with two boys nearly the same in ages as Colin and Shane.

When Mike visited in 1998, he and I had been dating for nearly 7 years, John had been dating Margaret for a few years as well. There was much discussion on that vacation with John and Mike as to what were they waiting for! Mike brought me back a Claddagh ring from Ireland that I still wear, a pre engagement ring. Imagine how surprised the 4 of us were when we realized that we would marry on the same day of the same year.

On that first day in Ireland we hit the ground running deciding that we did not want to miss a sunny day as we had been told that those were few and far between, that we should expect some rain every day. I believed that Shane would shine the light upon us and we would have more sunny days ahead. But just in case we could not go to bed with the sun shining. We visited Blarney Castle on that first day and as I previously mentioned I did make the climb and kiss the blarney stone. We also visited Cobh a seaside town rich with history- but all for a different blog post as I would like to concentrate now on Shane. We plowed through that day and some how managed to stay up for 36 hours before desperately needing sleep.

We had a busy and amazing week and I will for sure share more about that on another day. When Friday came- the day of Shane's birthday we kind of left it as a day to take it easy, a day to feel the emotions as they came. We were in Ballybunion at the time- a beautiful spot on the water- there are a lot of those since Ireland is an island! We walked into town for a delicious breakfast where we were joined by Anne, followed by a very emotional stop at St. John's Church. There were so many beautiful churches we visited. Lighting candles from one side of Ireland to the other. Sharing prayers for Shane, for Colin, for the two of us and for all the people we loved, those here on Earth and those up in heaven. We lit candles and prayed for those in our life that we know are currently struggling with battles of their own. One thing Mike knew he wanted to do was to take a swim in the ocean to celebrate Shane- he was solo on that one - brrrr.

I chose to write in the sand- far from the water so that it would stay there for much of his birthday.

I was very grateful on this day to have a cellphone and to be connected to people back home. I was thankful to the people that went out of their way to share photos and to send me messages. Knowing that others were remembering Shane on his Birthday and thinking of us is powerful. You hope that he hasn't been forgotten. I have said it before- the first year of grief is traumatic, you are numb, you are blind, you are disoriented, you barely know your own name and what day of the week it is let alone the actual date or month. As year two has rolled around- you are still in shock at the reality of what your new life now looks like, a life you did not request, changes you did not ask for, and you feel a bit abandoned, because it feels like everyone else's life has gone back to normal and that no one gets it. Grieving is lonely, it shouldn't be because it is a common thread that we all experience, it should bring us together or at least that is what I believe. This has been a far more difficult year on many levels than last year, at least for me. I do not expect the years ahead to be any easier....

Messages like this made my heart hurt a little less on his day, seeing the photos of "the boys" getting together to celebrate Shane who happened to share a birthday with one of these boys : )

Rob, Marwan, Crawford and Freddy - part of the Deerfield Brotherhood.

There were a couple other DA boys I heard from that day as well.

And some friends with hearts of gold telling me they sang him happy birthday and that there was purple in the sky. Some messaged or posted on instagram, others that simply texted a purple heart- or sent photos from the beach. Taking the time to let me know that you were thinking of Shane- that means a lot.

And then there was my other boy- who brought balloons to his brother with a little help from Sarah and David.

As for those in Ireland-the relatives that we were not with raised a glass to honor Shane.

Dennis and Chrissie Mary and Anne Mary, Dennis and the lads

As for the rest of us in Ireland we laughed, we cried, we drank, we prayed, we drank, we ate, we drank, we sang, we celebrated, we remembered his beautiful soul and the amazing short life that he lived.

When I got on the plane the next day with a slight headache- LOL I felt that we had served Shane well. That there were now parts of our extended family in Ireland that we had shared Shane with.

They had asked us questions to get to know who Shane was, they had shared in our grief, we had laughed together - (at times hysterically) and we had cried together. It was a week that was a bit healing I think for both Mike and I- I will tell you more of my point of view on that in another post. But for now- Happy Belated Heavenly 23rd Birthday to Shane Michael McCarthy

Momma loves you to the moon and back. xoxo