Mother's Day at Fenway Park

I should be spending Mother's Day at Fenway Park in Boston- not to catch a game but to see Shane graduate from Northeastern University. For many Northeastern is a 5 year college commitment but I am confident that Shane would've done it in 4! He had stacked his Freshman and Sophomore years heavily knowing that his co-ops would require time and juggling. I believe that with his work ethic that I think he would've been part of this Class of 2025.

It would've been so cool to be at Fenway- in the city that he chose for his college education, in the city that had been the location of so many wonderful family memories. Shane had attended several Red Sox games over the years; we even had one family adventure when Colin went too. Instead of sitting behind home plate cheering for the Sox and eating all the Fenway favorites, We would've been sitting on the field cheering way too loudly for our boy.

Shane getting a degree from the same school that his Grampie Jim and his Auntie Julie had, he would've been carrying on a McCarthy line of Northeastern alumni. Sadly that dream died when he did.

For me- he would've been finishing what I never did- I attended Westfield State College waaayyyy back in 1985 and 1986- completed 3 semesters but then decided to "take some time off" when I ran out of money and because I wasn't really sure what I wanted to be when I grew up. There was perhaps a boy at the time back home that was also a very big distraction.

I have always been disappointed with myself that I did not finish what I started. Between my 3 semesters and Shane's nearly 5- we collectively put the time in I guess.

Maybe I should go back to school- to finish what I started and do it in his honor?

I still unfortunately have that lingering question of what I really want to do with my life. Whatever amount of time I might have left on this Earth- how do I want to spend it? It is a question I have been mulling over quite a bit these past months.

If you have been part of our story- part of this journey- you know of the phrase " My True North". At Shane's funeral service I stood and shared that Shane was my True North- he grounded me, he guided me, he focused me whenever our world would be spinning out of control. He was able to calm me and reassure me whenever I was filled with doubt, when my worries took over my thoughts. He is still guiding me, I am able to ask for his help, to look for his signs and I know he is still balancing the needle of my compass.

My two boys- being a mother- was what gave me purpose and direction. At Shane's funeral I encouraged everyone listening to find their own True North- to find what made them happy, what fulfilled them, what gave them purpose- that does not mean what fills your wallet or your bank account, or even what makes your parents or the people around you happy. It is what gives you the feeling of self worth and accomplishment. It is what guides you and pulls you forward- it is what motivates you to get up each day and keep moving forward- even on the hard days, one step at a time.

I am still thrilled to be a mother- even if one of my boys is in heaven. But I can not help but feel that I should be doing something more, something else, I just do not know what that is just yet.

The McCarthy Brothers Bond Foundation is for sure helping me. It helps me, it helps others, it keeps my boys connected, it keeps Shane's memory alive. It keeps me moving forward as I plan our next activity or event- which for us will be awarding graduates again at Greenfield High School so be looking for that update on our projects page.

Have you seen our new merchandise we recently added! Be sure to visit the merchandise tab.

This has been a hard week- knowing it was the week that Shane should've been graduating- I did watch the graduation for Northeastern's D'Amour McKim School of Business livestream on Thursday night. I even recognized a few names of classmates that Shane had done projects with. Tears streamed down my cheeks most of the time I was watching as the reality of a milestone that we were getting robbed of was happening before me.

Grief isn't just about what you no longer have, but also what you do not even get the opportunity to have.

Grief is indeed a journey- we often compare it to the ocean - well the seas are damn rough this week.

So what do I do with my Mother's Day? Of course I have been rummaging through some of the photos in the house- so many are still in storage from the flood in the craft room. But I found a few! Looking at these pictures takes me back. Needless to say Shane arrived not very long after this photo was taken.

One of my very favorite photos ever

I just love this picture- my greatest achievements in life, My heart and soul, my purpose.

This photo of me with my Mom was taken on my porch my first Mother's Day with two boys- so May of 2003. Looking at this photo makes me miss my mother even more. This year marks the third year her Mother's Day is spent in Heaven. A friend of mine at work this week, asked me what she was like. I think the first thing that I did was laugh before I said a word- because she was tough! She was lovingly known as NoNo Nana, don't touch this, don't do that, put that down, don't sit there, no drinks in the living room, the list could go on for quite some time. Growing up I certainly knew that she loved us, but it was not something that we heard- well at least I did not hear it. Much like me- being a Mom was her primary job- she raised 4 kids, I have a sister 4 years older than me, and my twin brothers are 2 years older than me. We had pets, as well as farm animals like cows, pigs and chickens growing up as well as large vegetable gardens. Four kids kept her busy as she supported us in our activities like school sports, girls scouts, boys scouts, and 4-H just to name a few.

Before starting her family my mother graduated from Nursing School in Springfield but was never quite able to officially pass the test to be a RN- she worked as a practicing nurse ( I think that is what they called it ) at what is now Baystate Franklin Medical Center in Greenfield.

Keeping up with the four of us and everything else kept her busy from sun up to sun down. She drank lots of coffee from when she got up until she went to bed, smoked cigarettes (unfortunately),liked to watch the Red Sox, loved to listen to Country music and also loved a good highball. She was a good cook, she liked to bake as well, always making us cool cakes for our Birthdays. She loved to do all kinds of craft projects- we are still finding more and more half completed accumulated treasures with every drawer and closet we try to clean out! She was steadfast in traditions especially when it came to holidays and instilled the value of a strong family with deep roots.

Most importantly for me- she taught me what unconditional love was. I was not the easiest of children- I know that I disappointed her on more than one occasion. I made her life difficult, I believe that I challenged the strength of her marriage and perhaps that of the entire family.

I have to say that one of my biggest blessings from spending extra time with her during her 9 month hospice journey- was the time we spent working through many things that I got to apologize to her about. When she left this earth I had a clean slate, there was nothing left unsaid she knew how grateful I was for her steadfast support and I was so honored to have been able to help in her care when she needed me. She sure had always been there for me when I needed her.

She backed me up even when I perhaps did not deserve it, she allowed me to move back home after dropping out of college and again when my first marriage failed.

It is a bit of saving grace for me that she was already in heaven - that Shane had his Nana waiting for him. One day we will all be together again.

I know my boys know that they are loved unconditionally- I tell/told them all the time. Luckily in this world of texting I am able to have the screen shot of Shane's words- Shane's affirmation for me that I was doing a good job.

Mother's Day May 14th, 2023.

But it's not just words- they feel the love, not just from me but from their entire families. Those family traditions that my Mother instilled, those family roots, they run deep, they are strong and they keep us together.

Perhaps I am not spending as much time connected to my family as I could be. But I do know they are there. I received these beautiful flowers earlier today from my sister- yup in the colors of the sunset- Shane flowers with a splash of purple. Thank you Cindy- I Love you very much!

Right now I am working hard to stay afloat, to navigate the rough seas, to put one foot in front of the other, even on the hardest days. Some days I just do not have the capacity for anyone or anything else- and you know what- that is ok. I am learning that sometimes you need to move yourself farther up on the list of important things to take care of- it is a hard lesson for me. But I owe it to Colin and to Mike and to myself to try to be the strongest, best version of myself that I can be.

I will try to do that.

Right now it is nearly Mother's Day- the clock reads 11:45, the day will not be an easy one as I navigate the what was, what is no more, and what will never be. I will be grateful for all the years I had with my Mother, for my two beautiful boys, for my patient and loving husband and for the steadfast support of my family and friends. I wish all the Moms reading this a very happy Mother's Day and if you are lucky enough to have your kids in your company today- please hug them a little tighter and a little longer be present in these moments and be grateful.

And to all those friends of Shane graduating from college in the coming weeks- the Class of 2025- please carry Shane in your hearts and keep him in your thoughts as you cross those stages- know that he was proud to be your friend and that he is still with you every step of your journeys.

One last slightly blurry but still cute picture of Shane- and yes it does say I love Mom on his shirt!