AMBIVALENT

AI's overview says that "the word ambivalent means feeling two ways at once or having contradictory feelings. It describes a state of having mixed or uncertain feelings about something or someone. Other words that can be used to describe this feeling include mixed, torn, uncertain, or conflicted. Ambivalent specifically refers to the coexistence of opposing feelings or attitudes."

There are many situations these days that have me feeling this way. It is something that I am trying to learn to embrace- that sadness and joy can coexist.

Arriving at Greenfield High School on Thursday evening on May 29th to present awards from the McCarthy Brothers Bond Foundation for our second year was a time of conflicting emotions for sure. We still know many people that work at GHS, teachers, therapists, paras, custodians, guidance counselors and their administrative assistant to name a few. Returning to the school is an opportunity to see old friends and to remember fond memories of all the years Colin spent there; the friends he made, the special people that were part of his team that made sure to include him as a participant not leave him as a spectator. Certainly remembering the night he rolled across the stage to the roar of the crowd on graduation night is something I will never forget. He was so happy on that night- we were and continue to be so proud of him.

As any parent knows it truly does take a village and the Greenfield School system was our village for Colin for many years.

A moment of conflict came as I stood once again at the podium- realizing that an entire year had passed. Time on some days flies by and on other days they pass so slowly. When I stood there last year it was on the 6 month anniversary of Shane's death and we had launched the foundation just a month before. One year later I was proud that we were still standing together as a family and that the foundation was being supported so that we could again be there to make a few awards.

On our projects page of this website you can read more about our amazing recipients, including their plans for college and what their transcripts look like and also read some of the things their letters of reference had to say about them.

Here on this blog I will repeat a bit but would like to share primarily about their essays telling us about their siblings or other special parts of their application that stood out to me.

I will start with Anna Bucala- a very bright and ambitious young woman; her career goal is to be a school based occupational therapist.

Colin received occupational therapy and had the same OT his whole school career- that was Linda, many IEP meetings she sat with us suggesting different switches and buttons and technology to allow Colin to be a participant in his environment. She would meet with teachers and paras showing them strategies to work with Colin. It takes very special people to work with kids like Colin- and a lot of trial and error to find the tools that help the most. Luckily we had Linda and a few other OT assistants over the years that did their best to help Colin in any way that they could.

Anna's essay was about her younger brother Sam- in her words she wrote "From the day he was born, I believed he was mine."

I am thankful to Anna for sharing a few photos of her and Sam. She goes on to share that Sam struggled with a stutter when he was younger. Anna found herself helping others even in her own family to understand what he was saying and as she said "(I was) proud to be his voice when he needed it."

Shane was often the voice for his brother as well. I think that he too was proud to play that role.

Anna shares that "the bond we've built is unbreakable." One of my favorite lines in her essay is when she wrote "being his sister has taught me patience, empathy, and how to help others without making them feel small."

The world needs more people like Anna- people that just want to assist others when needed- not for their own attention or for their own award and not by passing judgement, just because it is the right thing to do.

One of Anna's teachers wrote "In looking forward to Anna's future, I am certain she will continue to excel personally and academically... Anna is an exceptional young woman that has a lot to offer the world around her...I know she has a very bright future ahead of her." Well Anna- we will be cheering for you and wish you all the best.

Jonathan Breor was our next recipient who is clearly an exceptional young man- described as "brilliant, trustworthy, respectful, athletic... a determined high achiever" his transcript is full of academic and athletic achievements as well as several volunteer roles in his community. In one of his letters of reference the teacher wrote that " Jon commands enormous respect by virtue of his actions and character." He continues to share that " his classmates and teammates rely on his calm and responsible guidance." Jon's employment includes being a counselor and life guard at Camp Apex. Reading that reminded me of the summers that Shane attended Camp Apex - lots of great memories with his friends there. It brought a smile to my face thinking back to those years.

Jon's essay was about his twin sister Jordan. His "older by one minute" sister that is. Jon shares that Jordan was born with autism and goes on to account for the many obstacles that have been thrown her way. He refers to Jordan as his "best friend and inspiration." Reading Jon's words "Seeing everything she has gone through and has overcome has made me grateful for what I have and where I am today. Jordan has inspired me to fear nothing and have the mindset that I can overcome anything."

In Shane's college essay he wrote about the role his brother Colin has played in his life. It was not until after Shane's death that I had the opportunity to read that college essay. It was heartfelt, it was profound, sharing life with a sibling that is "different" can not help but shape you into who you become. I believe there are two ways that can go- Shane could have been bitter and resentful of all the time and attention that Colin required. But instead it made him fiercely independent, it gave him empathy and compassion for others, and gave him the drive to achieve everything that he could for the both of them.

Jon concludes his essay with "The best thing I can do is give it all my effort and try my best because if she can get through all the obstacles life has thrown her way I can achieve anything I set my mind to. Jordan will always be my hero and I couldn't have asked for a better human being in my life."

It was a profound moment when Jon stood to come to the stage and grabbed his sister Jordan's hand as she sat beside him and brought her up on stage as well. Jordan is very lucky to have a "slightly" younger brother like Jon to go through life with. We have no doubt that Jon will make them both proud.

Lyla Rockwood will be headed to Bryant University where she plans to major in Economics with dreams of her own business. Another "academically motivated" young woman that has excelled in challenging classes. She too has an impressive transcript and glowing letters of reference, she is described as " intelligent, driven, a leader in numerous clubs." One of her letters shares" Other students watch Lyla and strive to work as hard and thoughtfully as she does, she challenges herself to take risks academically."

Lyla volunteers at the Greenfield Public Library where she serves as a Teen Advisory Board Member she is also a member of the library club at GHS and served as president of the club during her senior year.

This hit a soft spot for me. I have worked in library's for a large part of my life. Back in high school I worked at Cushman Library in Bernardston- while at Westfield Sate my work study job was at Ely Library on campus and I also worked at the elementary school library at Juniper Elementary next door. This year I completed my 21st year at Boyden Library at Deerfield Academy.

Lyla's essay was about her younger sister Chelsey- 17 months younger. (This is the same age difference that was between Colin and Shane.) I was certainly moved by the words that she shared as her life had not been an easy one. Lyla and Chelsey's mother had left which made Lyla - since she was the oldest- "feel responsible for my sister- whether I wanted that role or not." Lyla heartfully shares that "she stepped into that space, doing my best to teach her what I'd learned about life, friendship and growing up, all through trial and error." Lyla shares concern about "leaving her behind and going off to college' knowing that it will be difficult. Lyla knows that Chelsey is "the one constant in her life" and that their relationship will "grow stronger. "

I truly admire Lyla for having the courage to share some of the challenges that she has faced. Chelsey has a pretty amazing role model to look up to that is for sure. I hope that this next chapter in Lyla's life is one that rewards her for her determination and hard work. Best of luck to Lyla.

Our fourth and final award winner was Jerry Ven - who will be a business management major at UMASS Dartmouth in the fall. Jerry is not just a hard worker at school academically and athletically but outside of school as well. His letters of recommendation tell of the many jobs he has worked while attending high school. Jerry is a proud first generation Cambodian American with strong family values which drives him to assist the family financially. It is crazy to think that in the winter months Jerry would work from 3am-7am removing snow with Snow's Landscaping before heading to school. His incredible determination and work ethic will certainly get him far in life. One of the letters of recommendation describes his greatest strength as "his social fluency. he is likable, friendly and affable... he is tireless and a diligent worker." "He is young man of exceptional character, whose determination and sense of responsibility set him apart."

Jerry's essay was about his sister that is 5 years older than him. That sister was in Shane's class and I recall how bright she was. Jerry writes about being compared to her and "feeling like I wasn't doing enough." Jerry goes on to realize that "pushed him to work harder and to find his own way." He also credits his sister with teaching him "to be responsible, to work hard, and to appreciate what my family has done for me. Even though we are different, we both help each other to grow."

It sure sounds like Jerry is on his way to a bright future- one that his sister and his entire family can be proud of.

As I wrapped up our presentation- likely taking up way more time than anticipated- the ambivalence rose again. The entire audience was on their feet they were cheering for the recipients, they were cheering for us. And quite simply we were there because Shane was not.

As Mike, Colin and I made our way outside with my sister Cindy and niece Chelsea that had attended with us, we knew that once again we had created an amazing moment from our awful situation. We were proud and sad, we were glad and mad.

It was once again a night that reminded me of Colin's graduation and of course Shane's graduation as well. Graduating from high school - such a milestone.

Next month I will celebrate with my high school friends for our 40th class reunion from Pioneer Valley Regional High School. High school- they truly are some of the best times of your life now aren't they?

I cried all the way home, thinking of Shane, missing him, desperately wishing this was not the world we lived in, that this was not our reality. I told Colin I was sad and that I was so sorry that his brother was no longer on this earth. We were sad together. But I also reminded Colin and myself that Shane is with us every day and is part of everything we do. That as long as we keep saying his name, sharing Shane with the world, that if we keep doing good with The McCarthy Brothers Bond Foundation that we are honoring him and the bond that they shared as brothers and that we are making him proud. We must keep sharing the ways of Shane with the world around us:

Be kind to people even if they look different than you

Check in on your friends- in person or with an actual phone call- not with text or social media

and above all else to Love Unconditionally.

Ambivalent- mixed feelings, conflicted, torn. Yup that is us.