And so it begins
I ripped the page off the wall calendar this morning revealing November. My heart has been heavy for weeks with it's anticipation. I began bracing weeks ago for it all to come. Here we are, November- Bereaved Sibling Month. The month that holds my birthday, my parents birthdays, several friends birthdays, my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving. and the anniversary of Shane's death. Three years on November 30th, still filled with utter disbelief, whys and how's even now.
I was looking back over the posts I made last fall, on one of them I had talked about that you never know what others are going through so give them some grace and plain and simply- be kind. I brought up a few people in my world and talked about what was happening in their world's. I offer an update to a few of them.
The friend that was diagnosed with Lymphoma- is doing amazing. Prayers were certainly answered and I think his stubborn determination may have played a big part as well. I like to think a guardian angel may have assisted with that dark time for him.
A coworker that had lost her Dad- no longer works at Deerfield Academy. I sure do miss seeing her and I hope that this time gives her soul what it needs.
A dear friends Mom that had chosen to stop chemotherapy- died last month. Her struggle and pain now over. Two sons and their families left with so many memories from a devoted woman that spent her whole life caring for others. Years spent as a nurse and as a very involved Babcia. My friend feeling that hole that losing your mother creates. A hole that is still very present in my heart. The edges are not as sharp, but certainly the hole is just as big.
My friend who's mother had recently passed just placed the gravestone at his parents burial site- giving a bit of closure to the open wound.
And it continues- a longtime friend bringing his adult children last week to say goodbye to their grandmother who was not expected to live through the weekend. She and my mother worked together for years helping with boy scouts when my brothers and her son were in the same troop. I like to think they will get the opportunity to catch up over coffee or perhaps something a little stronger.
Another coworker will meet with the nursing home team tomorrow to talk about hospice plans for his father.
My sister in law, Gena's mother recently died. Another woman who had been a nurse and spent years caring for others.
There was another coworker at Deerfield who lost her husband to a cardiac event that rocked the community and beyond.
The death of Will- Shane's Boy Scout leader was also a shock to this community that he was so invloved in. Attending Will's celebration of life was an opportunity to see many of the boys from Shane's old troop. So great to see these young man- so sad that Shane was not there.
Sarah's mother also recently died- leaving another daughter in a world without her Mom.
No one is exempt from challenges, from pain, from hard decisions or from death.
We make decisions every day on how we choose to live our lives and how we choose to nurture the relationships with the people we let in our worlds. I can never resist the reminder to make the phone calls, heal the wound, bury the grudge and to tell people that you love them. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
We continue to do things that Shane used to love. Pumpkin carving being one of them.
Last Sunday my great nephew Liam, his Mom- Chelsea, my sister Cindy and Colin with his workers for the day gave it our best shots- to turn our squashes into works of art. Shane and Chelsea used to spend alot of time planning and carving- I wonder what he would be carving these days? Perhaps the logo for the company he was working at? Or a new favorite video game? Or perhaps some weird made up thing that I had no idea what it was supposed to mean.
Liam is so damn cute- and little in this older photo. He too now making a plan and diving in hoping to channel the skills of his mother.
I watched online as friends posted photos carving or painting pumpkins and trick or treating with their grandkids. Some days it stings more than others knowing that opportunity will not ever come for me.
I experienced a very deep ache attending a family wedding in Louisiana last month. As the groom danced with his mother, I was crushed. My heart split wide open in a way that I had not previously felt. I was sobbing uncontrollabley- unable to move- wanting desperately to leave the space but frozen in my tracks.
There will be no mother and son dance, there will be no wedding for my son.
There was another very emotional layer on this trip. My 87 year old father flew for the first time since he got out of the service. He got to see his only living sibling, his brother Ellsworth. I think it was about 15 years since Uncle Al had last been up here. Such a blessing to bring them together. So heartbreaking to know that it is unlikely that they will see each other again.
Here is another beautiful thing that breaks my heart - the house my brother Jon built for he and his wife Kristen.
There is so much beautiful craftsmanship in this house that my very talented brother created. The back porch ( i'll need to get a photo of that ) built from trees cut down on my Dad's property just up the road. A countertop in the works also made from wood harvested up the road. The custom details in every door way, around every window, the repurposed pieces of furniture. A true labor of love.
So sad that Shane did not get to see it. Uncle Jon had shared blueprints of the plans with Shane when he was around and talked about his visions for his home. I would send photos whenever I was on Shaw Road so Shane could see the progress. The garage was still in the works then- he did not get to see any of this done.
Shane loved spending time on Uncle Jon's worksites- when he was just a little dude and when he was a bigger boy too. I love this picture below- one of many from various worksites.
Shane entranced by whatever was happening. I just know that Shane would be so proud of what his Uncle Jon created.
Another thing that I wrote here about last fall was wondering how Colin might feel- living life without his brother. Luckily my sister and both my brothers are very much alive- so I have no idea what it feels like to navigate a world without them in it. I embarked on a mission to try to learn. There are books, and websites, and lots of podcasts to listen to that is for sure! But I took another path too.
Many of you reading this know that I returned to college after a 40 year break. Last school year I took two classes at Greenfield Community College just down the street. One of the classes was a creative writing class. For my final project I interviewed five friends that have experienced losing a sibling. I sent them questions ahead of time and asked them about how I could best support Colin. They were powerful conversations for sure. I really enjoyed this and hope to do more of them. There are no two situations that are exactly the same. Three of the conversations involved brothers that had taken their own lives. One sibling shocked, one a bit surprised, the other not surprised at all. Three very different situations with one common denominator.
One person who's sister died after a long illness outliving her prognosis by a few years. A brother that died very unexpecatedly from a cardiac event who had recently married . One thing that was the same- was that people wanted to talk about their loved ones that have died. They wanted to tell their stories, say their names, look back on forgotten times and rekindle memories. I think the best thing you can do for someone when a loved one dies, is not to just offer your condolences or your standard " I'm sorry for your loss" but to ask them a question about that person or ask about a favorite memory. The conversations I had with Heather, Mark, Kate, Yanik and Sadie prodcued a lot of tears but there was also a lot of laughter. In some of the conversations there was also still unresolved feelings and emotions. When they thanked me at the end of the conversations it was a feeling I do not have words for. I set off to do this for help with Colin, but they were also helpoing me. And maybe, justmaybe I too was helping them.
When I read parts of the interviews in front of my class there was not a dry eye in the place. Among the 24 peole that listened that day I had four emails before the end of the day that told me that they had lost siblings and that they were moved by what I had shared. One of these emails led to a coffee date where I had the honor of learning about her brother that had died in an automobile accident when he was only 17. She said most people in her family do not like to talk about him and that it hurts her. I was so very happy to help just by listening.
I guess that is my whole point here today. I need your help. Please help me. help us by remembering Shane. Please post something about him on Facebook or on your instagram page- share it with or tag the McCarthy Brothers Bond accounts. Send a note I can read to Colin this month. Mail it to
702 Colrain Road, Greenfield, MA 01301. or email it to mccarthybrothersbond@gmail.com
help us get throught these dark days that are ahead.
Help bring the light that Shane shared with you back to us.
We need you! And we are grateful for you.
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